Regulate This!

Observations of The World | July 24th, 2009

Cap and Trade. Smoking Bans. No Drilling for Oil. Salary Caps. CAFE Standards. Health Care Nationalization. Calls for “Fairness” and “Equality”. Quotas. All of these represent certain ideals which are becoming mainstream. For the “good” of the society (The State!), they say how we must conduct our affairs, run our business, make our choices and live our lives. Pass any law, write any regulation, regiment our lives and whittle away our liberty. As long as it’s for The State! they don’t care — often they are enthusiastic supporters. Except for one thing…

I say, if we can pass laws telling people what they can and cannot do regarding their business and commercial affairs, then we need to start regulating the people’s sexual affairs, only to make it fair and just — and to erase the hypocrisy of their position.

We don’t want to harm the environment, so I say you cannot brown chicken, brown cow* (sing it, you’ll get it) in the kitchen. Food is prepared in there, and we don’t want to foul up the environment where we cook our meals. Who wants to eat on a table that someone has brown chicken, brown cowed on? Those germs for one thing! Can we know for a fact that some remnants of those spewed fluids won’t linger on and contaminate the food that’s placed on the dining room table — even after years had passed? Therefore, you cannot brown chicken, brown cow on that table!

Don’t brown chicken, brown cow on the floors, especially on the carpets! How many rugs are contaminated by a few minutes passion every year? And what about rug-burn? Open sores like that are magnets for contaminated, dried up spew. Why, someone with sensitive skin could walk barefoot on the floor and be harmed by your excesses. And what about the children? How many toddlers put their fingers in their mouths after touching the floor? Same goes with the furniture too. So, you cannot brown chicken, brown cow on the couch (or the coffee table — my favorite place to brown chicken, brown cow!).

The bathroom is an acceptable place to brown chicken, brown cow, provided you take these steps when you’re finished, just to make sure that another person who takes a shower later wont be adversely harmed by your bodily contaminates: run the shower for an hour to thoroughly rinse out the spew; then fill the tub with hot water — and the correct amount of approved chemicals, then scrub all surfaces you brown chicken, brown cowed upon; fill it again; drain it; then run the shower again for another hour. When you’re done with the environmental cleanup, fill out the requisite forms detailing the steps you took to guarantee that the tub is free of any spew, then submit the report to the Department of Sexual Environmental Safety. An agent will, of course, have to then come and inspect the tub, just to verify that all the correct steps were taken and the tub is free of any traces of spew.

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